I suffer with mood swings. At one moment I’m happy and talking with everyone, and in the next I’m mood off and irritable. I realize that it is affecting my relationship with my friends and family. Is there anything I can do about it? Are there any Buddhist practices that could help?
Moody Boy, Thimphu
Well, as complex beings, we humans will naturally be affected by the world around us. In this respect, minor emotional swings are not an issue and, in fact, should be accepted as part of the texture of life. In reality, life would be pretty boring if we had exactly the same emotions every day of our lives. However, in your case, the ups and downs seem a little extreme and are affecting the quality of your life and probably hurting your loved ones, and so it would be good to try to address the issue.
To do this, I suggest that you keep an inventory in which you note down the triggers that spark your mood swings. Normally, we just blame others: “Ah, my boss said this and now I’m disturbed.” However, if we investigate deeper, we will realize that it is not simply someone’s words that influence our moods, but rather how we crave and reject certain feelings. In the Buddhist teachings, these feelings are generally categorized into four pairs of opposites and are known as the ‘eight worldly dharmas’: pleasure and pain, loss and gain, praise and blame, and fame and disgrace.
Let’s take praise and blame as an example. Everyone likes to be praised, right? We feel happy when our name is announced on TV for having done something good, and we proudly hang certificates of appreciation on our office wall. Now, you may ask what is wrong with that. Well, the problem is that others’ opinions are unstable and so relying on them for our contentment will make us feel insecure. Think how many times we have heard a person praise someone one week and then become their most vocal critic the next.
Perhaps it is helpful to think of others’ opinions like an unstable chair. If we lean on the chair, we will obviously move when it wobbles. Likewise, if we rely on others’ opinions for our sense of well-being, we will naturally feel unsettled when they change.
How we relate to the unstable chair is perhaps similar to how we should respond to others’ opinions and, for that matter, outside circumstances in general. In the case of the chair, we can look at it and maybe even appreciate it, but we should not lean on it for stability. With other’s opinions, we can listen to them and even welcome their words, but we should not rely on them for our sense of wellbeing.
In practical terms, how should we respond to praise and blame and the other eight worldly dharmas? Should we become like an emotionless rock? Should we totally block out the world around us? No, this is neither practical nor desirable. Instead, it would be best to be aware of how these pairs of opposites hook us.
Basically, we should look at praise, gain, pleasure, and fame in the same way that an insect sees a venus fly trap. Even though the plant may look attractive, an insect needs to recognize that it is a massive danger and should be avoided at all costs. That is not to say that we have to run away from anyone who praises us or offers us a gift. In fact, we should politely acknowledge others’ gestures of appreciation, but we do need to be aware not to crave these experiences. Otherwise, we are vulnerable to be disturbed when we encounter the opposite experience (blame, loss, etc).
Some mood swings are associated with unresolved issues that are bubbling under the surface, and an incident can suddenly evoke a memory of an unpleasant incident in the past, and that can trigger a mood swing. These matters take time to resolve, but, in general, you should try to allow the unhappy memories to surface and recognize that ultimately they are just thoughts and cannot hurt you. I know this is easier said than done, but keeping the disturbing memories buried in a dark place in the mind is not a solution. In fact, keeping them hidden will keep you in a perpetual state of fear that outward circumstances that may churn up the mud.
Now, I appreciate that some backgrounds are extremely painful and it is not recommended to stir up everything suddenly, but, to your own capacity, and with professional help if necessary, you should shine some light in the dark areas of your mind. If you made mistakes, then recognize that you are a human being not a Buddha and so it is natural to make bad decisions. In this respect, you should try to make amends to the people you hurt – at the very least, you should do so mentally.
Now, if we ourselves have been hurt, say, for example by a harsh step-mother, then remind yourself that you were not to blame for the situation. Next – and I know this part is not easy, but in reality is the only way to let go of anger – practice forgiveness based on understanding. As a basic step, remind yourself that your step-mother, or anyone else who is cruel to others, is very confused about life. Like all of us, they seek happiness, but lacked the wisdom to go about it in the right way. In this respect, they also need compassion. In fact, without such people, we will never have the opportunity to practice empathy and open our minds. Here is a quote from Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche that you might like to think over:
“To meet someone who really hurts you is to meet a rare and precious treasure. Hold that person in high esteem, and make full use of the opportunity to eradicate your defects and make progress on the path. If you cannot yet feel love and compassion for those who treat you badly, it is a sign that your mind has not been fully transformed, and that you need to keep working on it with increased application.”
Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche talks about mind transformation, and so if you think that unresolved issues are the underlying cause of your mood swings, you might want to adopt Buddhist mind trainings, such as tonglen.
Finally, though, please remember that unenlightened existence will always be characterized by suffering. In this respect, the intention of Buddhist practice is not to make our lives comfortable, but to awaken us to reality and, in this way, sever suffering at its root.
Shenphen Zangpo was born in Swansea, UK, but spent more than 28 years practicing and studying Buddhism in Taiwan and Japan. Currently, he works with the youth and substance abusers in Bhutan, teaching meditation and organizing drug outreach programmes.